GUNNAMATNA

Eat shit, Eli

2011-10-10T02:20:00.002-05:00

Yay New York, its the greatest city in the country, and we all love them because of 9-11, and all that stuff, so much to do, it never sleeps, blah blah blah.

None of that means crap to me when sports are involved. Yankees? fuck you. you bought your team in a league where there is no salary cap. Jets? fuck you. keep trying to play the underdog card because you sucked for so long, youre still assholes who think youre owed something simply for being in that city. Rangers? fuck you. all you talk about is how historic the Madison Square Garden is, but you know what? how about putting some god damn lights in there? that place looks like a serial killers damp, piss stained basement, and youre the worst original six team in hockey.

But tonight I'm here to talk about the Giants. A team that on paper, shouldnt be that bad this year. hell they still have a winning record even. but thats not the point. Eli Manning, previously carried to the promised land by his teams defense, and a miracle catch by a receiver on a stupid throw, STILL manages to have that look.

Ah yes, the classic Manning whiny face. Archie had it, Peyton has it, and Eli had it on full display as he pissed away his home game against the Seahawks this morning. I'll say this for Peyton, when he blew his teams chances in the Superbowl with that interception, at last he didnt make the face. he knew everyone in the country saw that pass, and there was nobody to blame but himself. the look on his face was incredible. the realization that you, and ONLY you, have fucked your team.

Eli doesnt have that still. Still, after having a ring, after being considered a veteran of the sport, after playing in every tier of the postseason, Eli still has the face. the face i want to ram my fucking fist into with everything I've got. the face of a 14 year old whos been caught stealing, and blames the person who caught him. the way it looks, Eli will never get it. He's always going to have the whiny face when he's just fucked his team. and thats fine with me, because I really dont want any reason to respect the little bitch. Fuck you Eli, fuck you New York, and Fuck you New York fans.

Go Seahawks.
Kaiser

Fashion Hate

2011-08-24T18:58:00.002-05:00

Anyone who's seen the way I dress in public knows that i have no fashion sense. they may also know that most of the time i couldnt give a two stroke fuck about that. But they probably dont know that even if i see an extremely hot girl walk by, she looks like the fucking swamp-thing to me if she's wearing any of these select objects on her body, that irrationally cause me to picture myself strangling her to death with my belt.

Snow Boots.
In the places people care most about their looks (warm places), they are also wearing god damn snow boots. as if any second, a blizzard is going to explode through downtown los angeles and blanket the entire city in arctic temperatures and turn everyone wearing normal shoes into god damn ice sculptures.
snow boots with a dress, snow boots with shorts, snow boots with a bikini probably isnt far off. it isnt hot all the time, or everywhere, so confining this to warm weather, if you have furry little elf boots on, this is your new name:
Robin Hoodrat

Gigantic Sunglasses.
Thanks for this Paris Hilton. and thank you everyone for following the trend of this semen belching trash and turning your face into a storyboard from a 60's horror movie. Ive never met a single male who thinks this looks good. even if you have a little muffin top, thats fine. if you have stumpy legs or a club thumb, or maybe youre flatter than a 10 year old boy, its cool, those can be ignored.
but if you have the head of a praying mantis because you saw some plastic clown prop with hubcap sized lenses, and had to have them just because thats what a Kardashian was wearing last night, all bets are fucking off until you put them away. your name:
Clown Mantis

Survivalist my ass

2011-08-09T00:53:00.005-05:00

I fucking hate the majority of whats on TV, and I especially hate reality TV. The worst example of it was something I saw tonight. not jersey shore, which is nothing but a bunch of spray tanned drunken dipshits yelling at each other about things that matter just a little bit less than what color their shit was that morning. not flavor of love, where they take 20 of the most useless, loudmouthed, attention whores, and make them fight over a guy that any respectable AIDS ridden prostitute with a pussy the size of a toilet bowl wouldnt fuck.

This show, they have two guys, one is a supposed ex military bad ass, and the other is some shoeless hobo, and they stick them in the wilderness and film them trying to survive.

the military guy has the instinctual aptitude of a moth thats stuck in a room where the walls are made of nothing but bug zappers, and for some reason, they decided to pick the most whiny, unadaptive faggot in the entire US military to be out there in uncomfortable places. Even the most disagreeable of marine corps recruits knows that something like that is going to suck, but they should probably spend a little bit more than 50% of their time doing something to survive instead of standing around listing the reasons theyve failed in it. if it werent for the TV network this fuck would have died of starvation, exposure, or depression before half of the first season was over.

the hippie that he's paired with is even more of a disgrace. this shaggy, disheveled cocksmoker has honed his survival chops from not wearing shoes, using solar energy and eating nothing but rabbit food for 15 years. nice try asshole, but if you arent willing to kill something in the wild and use its body to feed or clothe you, the only reason you lived is because the discovery channel was there to slip you a fleece poncho and some beef jerky. and the worst part, the single dumbest thing i've seen on TV from a supposed expert, is the reason he doesnt wear shoes. the very first episode of this pile, they arrive at some mountain wilderness covered with snow and ice. he is fucking barefoot. his explanation?

"most people dont know that if you tie your boots too tight, it cuts off circulation and you get frostbite".

yeah? apparently you DID know that, so why dont you put some boots on and not tie them too fucking tight? even better, you know what most people DO KNOW? that if you walk around in the snow with bare feet, and tell anyone else that its better than having some kind of footwear, you are a fucking retard. what a pioneer you are, devolving from the knowledge that the god damn cavemen had.

fuck TV, especially reality TV, but most of all, fuck these two assholes and the dickwads that put them on the air.

Diplomacy in Las Vegas

2011-06-16T01:27:00.004-05:00

It seems that in previous encounters by multiple Nightowls, Las Vegas has been called the unconquerable city. that held true this time as well, but this wasnt a real attempt. The Fez wedding was merely an act of diplomacy, a journey to try and reason with Vegas, to let us use its facilities. It was a successful operation, but at times Vegas seemed a little too proud to let us roam free and have our piece of the action.

Day one began for me when i arrived at the Luxor. no big deal. Vegas simply informed me that a leather jacket would not be neccesary, and if i disobeyed, it would melt my skin off. so I decided to walk from there to the Bellagio. Vegas later told me that this was against the rules, as cab fare was much cheaper in the wallet than walking was on the body, and it was right. that is a long fucking walk. from the time I arrived to the time I left, I watched fez throw down chip after chip, while being a jew with my own poorly resources, as Fez ended the night 500 bucks up, after a master hand in carribean stud landed him a cool 1100 dollars, and the ire of his soon to be wife, as we were quite intoxicated.
the highlight of this particular evening was the whore parade. 50 to 60 bony sluts in all colors of the rainbow strutting down the Bellagio hallway, surrounding some rich fuck. he shall now be remembered as "the least interesting man in the world".

day two was a blur. more of the fez clan show up. we go swimming. i wait 30 minutes for the skunt pool waitress to bring me an 8 oz. bud light, which costs $7.50, and then everyone wants to leave. as i go to collect my shit, the wind blows over my half finished lambourghini of budweiser, spilling it on the pool deck. Vegas you cruel bastard. We then have the wedding rehearsal, which about half the bridal are present for. yay. more gambling, and a buffet with children running amok.

day three, the wedding day. I wake up and my feet are hot charcoal. the walking has reminded me that Vegas is still picky about our hospitality. my heels feel like theyve been beaten with golf clubs. fuck my ass. anyway, on to the preperation. the shrieks of the women still haunt me. the panic and chaos, the desperation to get everything perfect, and the loathing of the bridesmaids when observing the unruly Kaiser and his seemingly bumtastic mop of hair. luckily one of them fixed that. the miracle of miracles, the 3 and 4 year old daughters of the bride throwing flowers in unison exactly as told, without raising hell and undoing the world.
sometime during this day, Hereim wins 5 thousand on a dollar slot machine. Gunnamatna.

the reception, another blur. 50 people going in 50 different directions, and then recovering to appear in the penthouse suite in the Bellagio, annhialating the liquor supply. embarassing stories told, new friends and new scip-scaps met. cougars going fucking apeshit. this should really be the heaviest part of the story, but It was such a blur of nonsense and shit, its hard to remember.

Highlights:
whore parade
monstrously tall people
linebacker trannys
33,000
carpet vaginas
girl time
federal reserve cashews
pink skirt, black mudflaps
barfing ramon

Gunnamatna.

Zig Zag's

2011-05-30T01:02:00.003-05:00

So I just got back from a bar in Seattle, if that is its real name; more like a library with drunk people in it. If I had a hammer to throw at each hipster douchebag in the place, I could hold a barn raising with a single nail for each one. The full name of the place is Zig Zags Cafe.

CAFE.

By the time I left it was a miracle that a re-enactment of the battle of sterling, live from Pike Place Market wasnt happening on the news. The streets would have run red with blood, broken iPads, and irony. because for some reason, irony is a trend for faggots now instead of just a word for when something weird happens.

In the 29 years of my existance, never did i think i would wake up and imagine i'd spend any part of that day listening to an argument about the best organic lettuce. but there i was, seeing two pencil necked goatees verbally slap fighting about the most efficient way to keep their vitamin count high and their colon spring time fresh.

The urge was strong to drive an armored humvee through the wall and grab the nearest female, stuff my cock down her throat and start firing off a 357 from each hand, all the while screaming the lyrics from Pantera's "Cowboys From Hell", and i'm not even a republican. the whole scene could not have been more gay if Justin Bieber had walked in with a fucking popsicle in his hand.
anyway, thats my story and i'm sticking to it, like a money shot sticks to Hugh Laurie's steering wheel after getting road head from Shia Lafaggot.

Return of the Jedi

2011-05-16T03:11:00.002-05:00

They lost, get over it.

Theres a scene during the assault on the death star that paints a very different picture than the accepted version that the rebels won against the empire. it happens just after the Death Star blows the shit out of one of the rebel fleet's ships. Lando tells Fish face they need to attack the star destroyers because they'll last longer than they would against the death star. so later on, they blow up the death star, and everyone is happy.

uh, hang on a second there buddy. there was like 30 fucking star destroyers out there, and you only took out 3 or 4. Also, by the time the Death Star is gone, there are less than a half dozen fighters left for the rebels. yeah the death star is gone, but you have no defense against the remaining empire ships. do you think they'd just give up after that? fuck no they wouldnt. their evil bosses that abused them their entire careers are dead, and now its time to find out who the new commander is.

So youve got 25ish star destroyers with hundreds of TIE fighters, looking at a pathetic rebel fleet sitting there celebrating because they killed the Bin Laden of space. laughing RIGHT IN THEIR FACES. add another 3 minutes onto that movie and you'd have the flaming pieces of every rebel spaceship screaming through the atmosphere and landing on Ewoks.

as for anyone still alive down on Endor? do you really think theyre going to escape in their little landing crafts? fuck no. the new commander in chief of the Empire is going to bomb the fucking shit out of them until the only thing left is the bad memories of Skywalker incest. And with all the hardcore fanatic rebels dead, the Empire is now free to absolutely dominate the galaxy, and have as many green, tentacle headed prostitutes born into slavery as they want. Way to restore freedom to the universe, you stupid assholes.

Manliness and Movies: Part deux

2011-05-05T11:34:00.002-05:00

Fighting. It happens. To the nightowl brethren it generally is caused by, popped collar douchebags, scip scaps ( during the rare occasions, that bitch ass scip scaps are found at the bar) or the occasional dumb bitch.

To expound on the dumb bitch. Only with douchebags, who sense of honor, is directly attached to his dumb bitch at the bar. She talks shit, and expects him to back her up, instead of finding out that, she drank 4 wine coolers and is completely out of control.

So how do we see fights in the movies at bars. Amazing choreographed sequences, where people are getting thrown, one punch knock outs, and the good guy just kicking ass. The saddest sequence I ever see, mostly from the 80's, the guy getting dragged across the bar, spilling gallons of precious liquids. Truly not a nightowl moment. I have to ask myself, what does that do, it doesn't look that painful, and would tire you out way more than it's worth.

That never happens, first off. No one is that sober to execute such techniques. Generally if you can get a few punches before you grab at each other like two crippled retardo gimpy baboons and rolling on the ground before 30 people pull you off of each other before the steroid eating, gym loving, patrick swayze idolizing, MMA wannabes, also known as bouncers throw you out of the bar/ club.

Then your out on the street before you can remember what was just going on.

So how does this post relate to the movies?

It referenced roadhouse.

Manliness and Movies: Part 1, Gambling

2011-05-04T11:25:00.004-05:00

Being a Man is defined as many things; Drinking, Fighting, Gambling, Sports, Slaying Poon, War and taking these ideas beyond the limits.

And thus movies have been portraying these ideas, polishing them up. Turning them into something it's not. Faggotry.

So folks let's get down to the nitty gritty with my favorite example of reality man, Spoon. And comparing all movies to the prince of pathetic, the lord of degeneracy, the emperor of embarrassment and the King of Regret. Spoon, is the highest level of gambling degeneracy that one can attain. So let's compare this to the movie "Rounders."

"Rounders" takes two faggots who make gambling easy cool and smooth. Matt Damon is damn near telepathic with how is able to read people and how suave and effortlessly he takes their money. Every place is this nice area where rich people are having theses poker games and he gets into these games, and make out like a bandit. Hooray, for Damon, for the most unrealistic portrayal of gambling.

Norton plays somewhat believable character.... when on paper, but after watching. It's the same bullshit as Damon. Here is a man who has been in prison and all he can think about is gambling? I'm sorry, if I'm in prison, the last thing I'm concerned with is getting dealt pocket rockets. My main concern is getting dealt pocket rockets from two large inmates who have life with no parole. More likely you should be protecting your skinny white ass Norton, from Tyrone and Jerome, before they bust your man cherry like a child's balloon hitting the wood chipper.

James Bond, fuck you. 21 is never that easy, especially while drinking. The reality of it, you would bust, the table would be pissed at you for playing like an asshole. I would punch you in your Queen loving stupid face you proper talking fuck, because you are a twat.

The only gambler in movies i do really like, is Franky Four Fingers. What a dirty Spoon like gambler. Just the thought of being able to throw down a bet, sends him in to waves of enjoyment, much like a little fat kid getting ice cream. It's over the top fantasizing, which is the reality of it. Every gambler thinks that they are going to win shit tons of money, women will be all over them and it will be the best night ever. When in reality you can lose it all, and more than just money. Because the people that are having these high money games are not your political elite. It's con men and crooks, because it is a dishonest game, made for real dishonest people. Men.

Making Sports Better

2011-04-05T02:00:00.001-05:00

So I'm sitting there tonight, watching Butler score 41 points in the NCAA basketball championship game thinking, "why the fuck are they doing this." And it occured to me that people have been making passing sarcastic suggestions for years on stupid ways to make games like this interesting forever, but never recorded them anywhere, so:

Basketball

No changes to the rules, hoop, ball, or scoring. Just add one guy on each team. That guy will be carrying a hammer in his right hand, and a hula hoop in his left. What he does with those objects is entirely up to him. If he wants to smash out the knees of the star point guard on the other team, great job. If he wants to reach out and yank ron artest out of the air by his throat with the hula hoop, deal with it, psycho. If he wants to have a hammer and hula hoop fight to the death with the other teams new player at center court while a normal game goes on around them, guess what, I'm god damn well tuning in for it.

Baseball

This shit is almost impossible to make interesting unless your team is in the playoffs. so, heres what you do. Instead of running bases after a hit, players will now complete american gladiator style events to advance to the next base. Instead of tagging a base or touching a player gently with the ball like your molester uncle used to, the defenders' job is to stop him from completing it. home to first, the joust. 1st to 2nd, powerball. 2nd to 3rd, the wall. 3rd to home, you zipline your ass from the top of the wall to home plate, while the catcher shoots tennis balls at you from a pressurized potato gun like they did in the gauntlet. If you fall youre out, and probably have a broken neck, because fuck safety nets.

Football

Cheerleaders now ride on the backs of all players.

Hockey

One of the boring things about hockey is how the players get tangled up with eachother, kicking and hacking the shit out of themselves along the boards because the puck is lost in there somewhere. solution: ten 18 inch steel rods that rotate around the outside boards at about 30 miles per hour, sticking out just below the glass along the dasher. Any time a player feels the need to slow shit down and stand in the corner shuffling his feet, he gets pulverized by the cycling metal pipes of death. In addition, holding someone in place or pushing them into this meatgrinder is acceptable. slashing, spearing, charging, boarding and roughing are also no longer penalties.

NASCAR

Too easy. every single person who has ever been bored by Nascar has had the same thought run through their minds at least once: Guns. but if you think about it, just putting a couple machine guns on the cars would end shit too fast. there needs to be suspense, so heres the deal. you now have a passenger in the car with a huge revolver. every time you have to make a pit stop, you get two more bullets. if you want to save them up, fine, but at the end of the race if you havent fired and connected with another car, causing a crash or at least a spin, you dont get to race next week. that should weed out the pacifists pretty quick and allow the people who want to adapt to be successful in the new era.

Food Hate

2011-03-07T22:18:00.003-05:00

Yeah the skinny guy hates food, hardy fucking har

1. Parmesean
I know its essentially mold, and I've never been to a reputable Italian restaurant in my life, but there are plenty of other types of cheese that manage to not smell like the decomposing genitals of a wildebeest carcass. Time and time again Ive been told "we're making spaghetti tonight, come on over", only to have the delicious meal destroyed like a french army reserve battalion by this rancid edible diarrhea.

2. Bologna
What the hell is this stuff made from. just thinking about the flavor makes me want to drink a gallon of rat blood to get the taste out of my mouth. people complain that things like hot dogs are made from the ground up parts of discarded pigs and chickens, but they still actually taste good. So if thats not a realistic goal for the people who make bologna, they must be using some seriously crazy fucked up ingredients that i dont even want to know about, let alone eat.

3. Bread
More specifically, hamburger and hot dog buns. youre too god damn big and take up way too much of a bite. but making you smaller only causes everything I'm eating to fall on the floor. all you do is get in the way, fuck you.

DMV People

2010-12-30T17:36:00.005-05:00

I usually only remember the Airport people that i want to punch out, but I'd never been in a crowded DMV before. now i understand why everyone hates it so much.

1. Businessman
A carryover from airport people, businessman might be following me around just to screw with me. But at the DMV he is out of his element. at the airport he can breeze through the line with first class tickets, show off his brooks brothers trenchcoat to others who can afford to fly, and scoff as they walk by him on their way to coach. At the DMV however, he is just another piece of shit like everyone else. he will be scowling at the concept of waiting in line, listening to that crying baby or rampaging uncontrolled toddler, and sitting in a wobbly plastic chair like a common serf. what a soul crushing inconvenience to do something at the pace of normal people. welcome to my realm, businessman, I hope you wait all fucking day.

2. Housewife
Hasnt been out of the home in months. She wears sweatpants, a zip up hoody, and flip flops, in colors that destroy your depth perception, and absolutely does not give a fuck about how her face or hair looks anymore. thats all fine and dandy, but for the love of god shut those god damn kids up and make them sit down before i start showing them magic tricks with my lighter. the noise may as well not exist to her, and after years of dealing with these little bastards, maybe she figures its time for someone else to be tortured. too bad i only have an hour or so with them, you get to go home and listen to it EVERY DAY.

3. Burnout
Burnout is constantly going to the bathroom. wtf hes doing in there is anyones guess, but when he gets out he'll be right back to the front door, waiting for someone to go smoke. like a vulture waiting for a lion to kill something, he'll be on you in seconds. "hey can i bum one of those?" No fuckhead you cannot. by the burn holes in your stained flannel button-down I can tell you arent ready for the responsibility of holding something that can set you on fire.

4. 90% Crippled Old Guy
Not that hes bothering anyone, but if it takes you 15 minutes to walk from your chair to the booths because you cant bend your knees anymore, stop driving. how the hell are you supposed to switch between the gas and brake on time?

5. DMV Employee
DMV Employee does not give a flying shit about anything on earth. he's probably a nihilist, and is the natural enemy of busnessman. he doesnt care how late you are, what restrictions you need on your liscense, or how long youve been waiting. you will stand there while he finishes his game of minesweeper and be god damn happy about it, because if you give him shit, he'll let you know where the line is, and that threatening a state employee is a felony. you could live forever, or die that second, he doesnt give a shit which.* All he wants is for the work day to last until the end of time, so he wont have to go home to get beaten by his wife.

Drunk in Mexico

2010-10-04T08:38:00.004-05:00

Ok I'm going to start off by saying I am indeed a slacker for not posting as often as I should and forgetting what the hell happened after the numerous parities Andy and I have thrown in the last couple of years.

Going back to Mexico…….I just have to say that getting drunk in a country that has an exchange rate of 13- to 1 US dollar is not a good idea if you suck at math and you don’t speak the native language.

After Meagan (girl I went with, and can out drink me 9 times out of 10) went shopping on the second day, we proceeded to head to the nearest bar once we stepped foot in the hotel. After several Coronas and a couple of weak ass margaritas (which tasted like they were made with Fanta), we headed to the buffet to carbo-load on what ever Mexican food they could slap in front of us. We some how that it was a bright idea to drink red wine. which I might add that it was given to us for free since we were the only white girls in bikinis in the whole place. the Mexican waiter kept feeding us more wine claiming that he did not understand the word NO. Probably because he wanted to keep near us so he could peer at our skimpy clad bodies. No matter to me, keep feeding me wine and I will be happy. After what I can only imagine was several bottles of wine (which we have no way of telling because it was not on the bill). Some how we got sucked into the karaoke bar, which anyone who knows me I will outright refuse to go to under normal circumstances. I just have to say the Queen (bohemian rhapsody) does not translate well with Mexicans.

after that we navigated out of the bar and towards our hotel rooms. Then we noticed it was still raining and flooding the entire area. unable to navigate the passage back to the room without getting wet, we stumbled (water and marble floors not a good mixture) into the hotel room and were done for the night.

Other than having the worlds shittest margaritas and only good servichi, I have to say the highlight of the trip was the Canopy tour we took on Monday. Combine me and a mule up a mountain with no guide for an hour and you end up with me finding peote and a huge lizard that scared the bejesus out of my mule. Add zip-linning and repelling down a waterfall and that equals a great time. Also I did not know pistachio tequila even existed and I have to say its pretty dam good. You get tons of free shots when you walk into random tequila stores in down town but its such a small amount, its not enough to go big.

Foosball

2010-10-03T18:38:00.002-05:00

The seahawks lost to the rams. the FUCKING RAMS. why, in these days when its acceptable to make a knee-jerk benching of a star player because hes fucked up for two games, cant the seahawks sit assholebeck. the bastard has been going downhill since 2007, and gets worse every single week. the mind boggling descisions he makes to heave the ball up under pressure is something that Brett Favre wouldnt do when he was a god damn rookie. enough about that.

Cuban's Dolphins play tommorow night, and i'd expect a thorough ass whipping at the hands of the patriots, except that theyre slipping into mediocrity faster than Eddie Murphey in the 90's. So if Miami wins, expect to see Randy Moss on the commisioner's blotter for picking up a drag queen prostitute and snorting heroin off its balls in his limo.

I was going to watch the eagles/redskins game, but Joe Buck was covering it. and by covering, i mean slurping McNabb's pecker like he was going to get a liquid gold money shot.

Also, I fucking hate Eli Manning and the Giants. Were finding out what kind of QB he is without a bad ass defense. I wouldnt trade a one legged Hasselbeck for that fucking Glamour monger.

Seahawks / Broncos

2010-09-21T02:33:00.002-05:00

Fez...it is now on.
since nobody else cares about either team i'll keep it short. Picture Tinkerbell (seahawks).

Now picture Robocop (broncos) fist fucking tink up the ass for 60 minutes with his giant metal hand. thats pretty much the game summary.

Are you a moron?

2010-09-19T21:48:00.003-05:00

To no ones surprise the Eagles have been looking better with Vick at the helm as opposed to Kevin Kolb. Our offensive line is as good at "protection" as the United States is at keep classified documents from Afghanistan classified...with that said why the HELL would anyone put a quarterback back in to start that couldn't maneuver around a twig behind our offensive line?

Some moron on the Eagles facebook page started comparing Eli Manning's performance tonight to Kolb's numerous disappointments and accusing fans of having "zero" football knowledge. Should they have benched Manning? YES but was their alternative better? Obviously not. The Eagles have shown that they will bench their star quarterback if he is playing like Helen Keller and put in something even worse Kevin Kolb. So why the hell is it hard to conceive that Eagles fans want Kolb the fuck out and a veteran like Vick in? First off, Andy Reid can't make a fucking decision to save his over-eating fat fucking life.....so there in lies the fucking problem MORON. Don't fucking start telling people they have no football knowledge jizzbrains. HOW ABOUT KNOWING YOUR FUCKING TEAM AND ITS FANS. FUCK-OFF!

No it does not equal

2010-09-15T22:36:00.003-05:00

I can accept that people dont want to be seen with with certain drinks outside a closely knit group of people. its entirely acceptable that you dont want to carry around a half finished bottle of T-bird in public, or walk into a house party with a 30 pack of natural light ice. These are reasonable ways of avoiding ridicule simply for the reason of avoiding it.

But these motherfuckers, we probbaly all know at least one, that will give a person shit for drinking usual and proper cheap beer and liquor, need to be pushed into the DC beltway to have their brains splattered on the windshields of uncaring drinkers who will go big no matter the flavor.

I dont give a shit if the beer youre drinking is so dark that it can absorb a fucking laserbeam from an Imperial Star Destroyer, costs $9.50 a bottle, has 7.5 alcohol %, and is only one of 50 cases ever to be made, its just a god damn beer. yes i will continue to drink my american lager that you refer to as pisswater. you know why? because the mud youre drinking also tastes like shit. thats right. If your port is strong enough to choke a maggot, that doesnt mean its the best beer on earth, it means someone spent way too many resources to make a beer thats a micro taste bud difference from the last dumpster puddle someone scraped out of the oil pan.

The only thing an independant brewer accomplishes is to be incredibly inefficient at getting people drunk. If i tried going big by drinking some dreadlocked pothead's microbrew that he cooked up in the basement of the dirtpile he lives under, it would not only take longer, being that each beer is like two courses of andy reid's dinner, it would cost 100 fucking dollars just to reach an ideal, COMFORTABLE buzz. not to mention maintaining and elevating it throughout the night.

Expensive, dark, and rare does not make you a better drinker. holding a bottle of black grasshopper vomit doesnt make you an intellectual. I dont give a 2 stroke fuck if you drink it, just keep your fucking dreamcatcher tattoo and greasy dogshit looking hair away from me while youre informing people of their inadequecies because they saved money and went bigger.

The Lightweight's guide to Going Big

2010-08-12T20:30:00.002-05:00

First off, by Lightweight i mean your weight. If youre reading this and are still a lightweight as a drinker, you are also a Scip-Scap, and should be practicing and not reading.

I'm setting the Lightweight bar at 140 lbs. If you fit the bill, here are some tips to make every drink count, and to prevent you from nosediving into the gravel before anyone else has a buzz.
Obviously the first issue is how much to drink. If you think that your body processes alcohol at the general rate of 1 drink per hour, you'd be right...if you werent a Lightweight. Ive found that the LW version of this rule should put you somewhere around the 1:20-1:30 mark.
depending on your tolerance, its a good idea for a lightweight to start slower than others. I say "Start" slower because once youre into it, no logical reasoning is going to slow you down for the rest of the night.

Dont begin your climb up the shitface ladder with shots. The important thing about this is that a shot is the same amount of alcohol compressed into less liquid, which means it will absorb faster, and thusly fuck you up worse than the non LW people with you in the same amount of time. I'm not saying decline shots if thats what the group is doing, but if this is the case, have 1 or 2, and something to eat before or immediately after. Which brings us to:

Food. There are several ways to avoid crashing your party wagon before the race has started. for Marathon type Going Big, the best bet is a big meal about an hour before you start getting lit. As a Lightweight, a big meal can carry you farther than other people. just remember not to start pounding beers as soon as youre done, or you may get full too fast and be forced to wait longer. If done correctly, this option will allow you to remain steady for long periods of time without sacrificing Go Big hours. stamina is key, keep in mind that in these types of nights, youre in it for the long haul.

Hook and Jab. this is the typical superbowl party option. eating and drinking throughout the alotted time. you'll want your drinking pace to be faster than eating, as even though youre a LW, the objective is Going Big, so allow for the alcohol to overtake the food at roughly a 3-1 ratio over long periods.

Emergency: Low Alcohol Supply: Simple, to make those few leftover beers or the bottom of a bottle count, eat light, such as a can of soup. let it settle for 10-15 minutes, and have at it. Obviously this is an unpopular option, since going big is probably not an option.

Movement. Getting your heart rate up even a little bit may drastically improve the potency of the ackahol in your system. get the blood flowing, and hence the alcohol moving around your body. This is much easier with certain types of flavaz such as Goldschlager, Cisco, or most Vodka. there is a reason that these energy producing drinks also produce the most violence and destruction, the distance they take you into the Go-Big cycle has been proven by trial and error.

In closing Lightweights, it is definitely possible to conquer over the trials of Going Big without as much bodily mass. follow these tips, and you'll soon see yourself banana slapping your peers who outweigh you by tens of pounds, but cant control the fine line of Going Big and crashing before the sun goes down.

SYMPTOM

2010-08-05T01:09:00.004-05:00

Hey guess what, you have a mental disorder.

If your first thought was "how did he know", you need to shut the fuck up.
your only disorder is being a whining fucking maggot. The theory remains unreleased because I cant turn around without someone being Bi-Polar, depressed, schizophrenic, narcoleptic, or maybe daddy didnt buy them the right god damn swingset when they were a kid.

Ive found that people who suffer from "Symptom" are immune to rational thought and I currently have no way to break through the fake psychosis that prevents them for accepting responsibility for their dumb fucking mistakes. mistakes happen shithead. I got a DUI, i didnt blame anyone. I didnt blame alcohol, my family, or the police for having the law.

Try explaining this to someone who suffers from Symptom (even though "suffers" really only applies to the people around them) they will railroad themselves into a corner filled with "I Cant" and "You dont understand".

youre wrong, i do understand. I understand youre embarassed because you got drunk and puked all over the bar, then stumbled home and pissed your bed. but the reason it happened doesnt extend any father than "you drank too much". But since you want to blame your alcohol intolerance on stress and delusions of childhood hardship, you can go right ahead and fuck yourself. take it like a fucking man and have a laugh. people get shitfaced, say things they shouldnt, do things they regret, look stupid, and make an ass of themselves all the time. get the fuck over yourself and stop pretending youre some kind of suffering genius to alleviate the fleeting shame of doing something stupid.

Feed me Cyanide

2010-07-24T22:49:00.004-05:00

On july 8th i left Bremerton for Greybull, Wyoming. It was supposed to be a 4 day trip. At about 2:30 am on the 22nd I made it back home.

Taking my roomate back to WyJammin is about a 14 hour drive. somewhere around 4 hours into the trip, 20 miles from Spokane Washington on interstate 90, the driveline fell out of my truck. And by fell, I mean it dropped out of the front U-Joint, dug itself into the road and polevaulted my fucking chevy two feet into the air, and on the way out managed to destroy the gas tank, and finally rolled across the freeway creating a motocross jump for a scion hatchback.

After gathering the twisted remains of american engineering genius from the road, and waiting about 45 minutes for a good samaritan that never came, I decided that the truck should be pushed toward the nearest town. with my roomate steering i provided the push downhill to the shitfarm down the hill. after maybe 50 yards the truck was moving too fast, and for the next mile or so i rode on the bumper holding the tailgate like marty mcfly going to school on his skateboard.

then the truck started to slow down. minutes later, i'm pushing this god damned S-10 uphill in 90 degree heat, watching the road go by like a route recci from abu ghurayb to ramadi. not too long though, as a gigantic SUV packed with mountain bikers from some granola bar commercial stopped and hooked us up to their tow strap, dragging my sorry ass vehicle into the town. from there i used my contacts (my dad) to get a tow-truck to haul the shit heap to a gateway to hell called Cheney. after assuring me the truck would be ready the next day, the mechanic shop / tow truck business dropped us off at a motel conveniently located 10 feet from the local railroad.

after getting drunk and passing out, we awoke the next morning to the news that the truck would not be ready, and indeed was going to take 4 more days to fix. So my roomate, running out of his epilepsy meds, caught a bus to wyoming, leaving everything he owned in the back of my truck, which was recovering at the Banjo approved auto garage. 4 more days of watching TV, eating the local cuisine of hamburgers smaller than mcdonalds, whacking by bag, and a bottle of Orange Jubilee a night, and at last i get the call that the the truck is ready. So i walk down to the shop, and lo and behold the fucking truck needs another day. Fuckface the scandinavian has either ordered the wrong part, or the hillbillys he ordered it from put the wrong shit in the mail.
one more night.

The next day the truck is ready, I pick it up, and charge across the western plains of fuck you I hate everything at this point. Since I missed the TWO FUCKING DAYS A WEEK the drivers license place is open, i have to stay an extra 5 days in wyoming, doing jack shit. I get the license, and the breathalizer i require to be hooked to my fucking ignition because I went too big and got a DUI in May, and recklessly fire my tired ass back towards Washington like a 50 cal round.

Total damage: $900 for the driveline and gas tank, $270 for the motel (and paying the desk jockey to drive my roomate to the bus station), about $100 for food, smokes and booze, $260 for the ignition lock and drivers license, and about $250 in gas money.

God Damn It.

Drunkfest 2010

2010-04-02T17:53:00.003-05:00

March 31st 2010 marked the beginning of the fourth Drunkfest. even though i'm probably the only one participating, it has lived up to the non-existent hype so far. as the hour closes in on the start of Day 3, once again i prove to the world that i am an irresponsible alcoholic and a drain on my community and nation, and am part of the collection of idiots that thinks getting hammered for a week straight is a noteworthy accomplishment.

since Drunkfest is not an annual event, the heralding of future Drunkfests may include death, rejection, and the all time leading cause, involuntarily becoming single.

fuck it

2010-03-31T21:01:00.000-05:00

definitely time to go big for days at a time.

Suck my Irish ass!

2010-03-18T01:34:00.003-05:00

Okay fuck head I get it! youre irish! SO IS ALMOST EVERYONE ELSE.
just because you have 1/72nd part Irish blood, doesnt mean you own the fucking town. its god damn st. patty's bitch, and youre barely Irish, get the fuck outta my face.

Those of us who actually ARE Irish can agree, we want EVERYBODY in on this! although i cannot vouch for the Guido fucks. sure if you say youre italian thats cool, however showing up at the bar with a fake tan, popped collar(S), and hairgel streaming down your fucking rat chin like Michael Jackson salivating at a daycare playground, you might want to go home, tuck it back into your asshole and fall down backwards, because you can go fuck yourself. as far as i'm concerned the Bros are not welcome.

anyway back on topic. Drunk bitch with 3% Irish heritage, shut the fuck up. the song is not about you, you arent related to the dropkick murpheys bagpipe player, and nobody gives a rats fuck that you just lit the wrong end of a cigarette and made your breath smell like burning plastic.

god damn it have a non scip-scap and/or triflin bitch filled st. patty's, and Gunnamatna!

You Fucking Suck part 2

2010-02-25T03:29:00.002-05:00

Pittsburgh Pirates

This has been the most ass fuckingly depressing team in professional sports for close to 2 decades. 17 losing seasons in a row. not 17 years without a championship, playoff win or a playoff GAME...17 years without a team that won more games than it lost.

its not just the players fault either. their part of the blame comes from being a squad of rich tools that will get paid more in one year than most people make in ten whether theyre any good or not. and they arent any good. the owner however, has been cashing in on the fans and generating the largest profit margin in history for any single owner business by fielding these no talent vomit piles, and waiting for them to fail so he can sign the next fringe loser who'll play for the league minimum.

since the people of Pittsburgh continue to take the short bus to the stadium and pay the same prices a winning team does to see this atrocity, no wonder the asshole will never sign free agents worth a shit or develop potential stars.

Good thing they just built that brand new stadium a few years ago. hopefully the bowl has enough flushing power to send this diarrhea chowder all the way to hell.

You Fucking Suck part 1

2010-02-18T17:01:00.003-05:00

The worst of their leagues
St. Louis Rams

6 wins in 48 games over the last 3 years, a dead owner, and the quarterback you replaced with Marc Bulger has owned your division and reached the Super Bowl last season. But what a great story Marc Bulger has been...oh wait, nobody knew who the fuck he was in 2003, and after starting the last 7 years, he may as well have never existed.

who needs defense, an offensive line, receivers, draft picks, special teams or a coach with a brain? obviously this team is fighting for re-location; theres no other way to explain a professional franchise sucking so much asshole. Sadly, a few of the players, like Stephen Jackson actually like the city, want to stay there, build a winner, and finish their careers in a place that makes Adam Lambert and Elton John playing gravy tag look sanitary.

On the plus side, if the Rams leave, its another nail in the coffin for St. Louis, and we're one step closer to having a merciful controlled detonation of the entire shithole.

more greatness

2010-02-13T09:33:00.001-05:00

Enjoy

2010-02-13T09:31:00.002-05:00

2010-02-13T09:29:00.001-05:00

MAY 1st

2010-01-28T13:32:00.001-05:00

For everyone wondering why I have not made that many post in the past, here is you answer SCHOOL! Fortunately for me my schooling will be complete this spring and I can continue with the ways of a true Nightowl. First order of business get drunk and have a roasted pig in my back yard. For all of you who have not tasted the wonders of a Lazo cooked Cuban pig you my friends have not lived yet! So I am officially inviting every one to fly, drive or ride their way over to Florida on May1st and enjoy the wonder of free food and enough beer for even the most experienced Nightowl to have his fill. I will be making a posting on facebook to announce the event but I figured all the people still in the military need some time to plan a trip and take leave etc. Let me know by mid April so I can make arrangements for airport pickup, and Hotels.

The Oming cornholes California

2009-12-19T23:17:00.001-05:00

A bowl game for WyJammin against Fresno State turned into a right assfucking for the hollywood eliteist pricks. The Cowboys finished off Fresno State's yuppie entitlement in double overtime after a goal line stand where the Oming stopped Fresno on 4 straight plays from the 1-yard line.

Its happening bitches. Wyoming is coming for Cuban's Canes, Crank's Buckeyes, and is already better than Mongo's Rutgers sorry bastards.

Lets go muddin

2009-12-17T18:22:00.002-05:00

or how about not. the new Kaisermobile will be staying on the pavement, thank you.

What The Fuck?!?!

2009-12-10T09:27:00.002-05:00

Fellow drinkers and other social deviants,

I realize that I have been absent from the bloggings. In the next week, I will be blogging about my vista exploits, embarrasments, regrets and debauchery.

For now I will leave you with this nugget, There is an establishment called Vinny's, after 10 wings and beer you can shit fire. I actually prayed to god to get me out of that situation. Haha, the worse part I was in a club. Too bad my ride thought I pulled a houdini (where a drunk person randomly dissappears. Well the left me at a club, drunk and with swampfire ass. Laterz.

fez

White-and-Black Failure

2009-10-05T14:25:00.002-05:00

Medieval Times, we must go as a team. 1st Force Recall attacked the Anaheim location with the fury of a thousand drunken demons. We were 10 strong, but alas Kaiser was not drinking, for I had brought my own wench to the battle. the others however, went as big as possible.

Two 44oz glasses of beer apiece before the show, and many many more between them during the so called tournament, as the White-and-Black Knight's section rocked far louder than any other. It was midway through the show, when Medieval Times brought forth a travesty in eliminating the Knight with the loudest fanbase in the arena, White-and-Black. The very first one to go.

I dare you to let that happen with the Nightowls, MT.

A Sound of Thunder

2009-09-25T12:42:00.002-05:00

Rorshach's journal: September 25th

530 am, I wake up on an air mattress, no idea how i got there. I remember i'm in yucca valley with Vin, and Fez. New Nightowl Panda showed up with scip scap Hosier. gallons of beer gone in minutes, a 5th of seagram destroyed. along with whatever this broken glass under my feet used to be.

upon further inspection the entire shelf of what used to be pictures, a vase, and a statue of betty boop lies in ruin next to the mattress. The last memories i have from the night before are being carried somewhere, dropped, and Vin shoving a handful of cotton candy in my mouth. Fez is awake now. I get up and show him the destruction on the floor, which ive half cleaned up by now. he slaps his belly and steals the bed.

615 am. I wake up again to some god awful phone alarm. cant figure out which one its coming from, they all look the same and are right next to each other on the table. Panda wakes up and punches Hosier in the stomach. they both leave and i take their bed. more memories return of flaming homo black guys on TV and the 3rd Nightowl slideshow.

Kim is commissioned Nightowl Panda, and a small corner of the town called yucca valley is proper fucked once again.

Fish hooks in the balls dont make me smile

2009-09-06T11:22:00.003-05:00

Imagine if you can, a man working at mcdonalds. the man decides one day he should probably not spend his life working there and decides to quit. a year later, some random mcdonalds manager hes never seen before comes up behind him with a fishing pole, casts the line over the mans shoulder and hooks him right in the balls. the manager then reels him back to some McD's store to work another year against his will, frying burgers on the grill with a fake minnow stuck to his nutsack and bleeding.
Survey says that guy would be a little bit pissed about the whole scene.

So since RIPTOA is tommorow, CLB-7 decided to start giving out the awards. Rumor had it i'd been put in for a NAM. fine with me, cool if i get one of those, if not, oh well. As i stood there watching everyone get their NAMs and Circoms, i figured i wouldnt be getting anything, which would also have been fine with me. then they called my name, but before they read the citation, the SSgt holding the award apologized. wtf.

A meritorious mast, as i was later informed, is one step below a circom. Apparently the CO thought it would be best to have them give me something lower than every single person who recieved a medal, circom or w/e the fuck. and his reason? Well it wasnt that i wasnt working enough. 12 on 12 off, for 7 months with no break. doing two jobs at once, when the other person in the room needed to go get her nails done or cry to the docs about the sand in her vag. nope, the CO decided that because i didnt smile enough when his bitch ass came into the COC, over rides everything else that happened during this fucking stupid deployment.

Nothing would have been better than that piece of shit he approved for me, it at least would have been less embarassing, not to mention the SNCOs wasting all the time they put in trying to convince that faggot of whatever it was they thought i should get.
Anyway, from myself and the mcdonalds worker, sitting here with jagged metal in our balls from being yanked back into the boat, would like to give a loud "Fuck You" to LtCol Karega, USMC Commanding.

Youre god damn right we arent going to smile for working here again.

Go Big Roadshow

2009-08-14T16:10:00.003-05:00

The passage below was sent in response to a picture Fez sent over email, by my dad.

I was just in North Dakota visiting Kaiser's sister Jamie and on behalf of your Gunnamatna I would have done you all proud. I drunkinated 5 chicks and 2 dudes that were staying at the Motel/RV Park CASA....Minot, ND USA. Worthy of Gunnamatna......I shall never know but one thing I do know......the bitches crawl the same no matter how fitshashed they get ! 2 into my room (fun had by all) the other 3 were found in the morning in the motel shower stall for truckers and the dudes.......in their RV's, damn pussies !

PS. Chicks dig electric iced tea and will drink it until their tits fall out !

Vegas 09

2009-08-11T13:14:00.001-05:00

Enjoy......and no thats not Vin or I sharing a beer with Jolly

Jack

2009-08-07T16:09:00.002-05:00

I have commisioned Nightowl "JACK" about a week ago. internet was too screwed up to post it. he has gone through the FULL prospect checklist with very limited resources, something not many of them have been able to do with entire liquor stores close at hand. Jack is the callsign granted, because nobody i have ever seen can drink that shit like this guy. He will be attending Nightowl functions when we get back, seeing as how we'll be stuck at Pendleton for like a month before we get out.

The players can now go fuck themselves

2009-08-07T15:46:00.002-05:00

Jay Cutler demanded to be traded from the broncos because he got butthurt about trade "rumors", fucking up the last 3 years of building around him. Chad Johnson is officially and legally named Chad Ochocinco. Michael Vick, Brett Favre, and Terrell Owens have their usual dumbfuck things going on. Plaxico Burress somehow shot himself in the leg. Tony Romo's biggest career highlight is putting the sausage to jessica simpson. These alone are enough to make you want to beat pro atheletes into a coma with various blunt objects.

But if you follow college football or the draft, youve heard the name michael crabtree, who just spilled a full orange jubilee on the 49ers locker room carpet. This greedy little fuck is threatening to sit out his rookie year because some other receiver who was drafted higher is going to get paid more. This means Crabtree would be re-drafted next year and if he were picked high enough, would make a couple more million bucks. are you fucking serious.

He thinks because he was projected to be taken earlier in the draft than the guy the raiders took, darius heyward-bey, that anything lower than darius' 23.5 million a year is unacceptable. Its bad enough that rookies are being paid 23.5 million at all before doing anything but holding up a jersey with a zero on it, now the pricks are getting their panties in a wad because someone ELSE is making 23.5 million and they arent.

before either one of them has done jack shit.
I'll follow the Seahawks and watch all the games with other teams that i can, and continue to be interested in who wins, but players do not exist anymore. I no longer give a rats fuck about any of these scumbags. player merchandise is nothing but shit to be left in the store. if i want a shirt or a jersey, there will be no number or name on that bitch until these cocksuckers realize they have it made from playing a god damn game.

the end.

Nice

2009-08-04T18:17:00.000-05:00

Hey oh

2009-08-04T18:01:00.001-05:00

So yeah, I have been stuck in Oregon for another month for god knows what reason. Mongo found his way through here on his way home and we had some serious nights. One of which with a Mr.Ryan Meyer.

About not posting.

2009-07-19T20:51:00.002-05:00

Well folks, Indeed, I have let down the spirit of the nightowls. I have been staying sober. But this friday, Kronik shall be in town and we will be hammered off our asses.

But I want to know about the rest of you. Cuban? where are the drunk stories? Jolly? Mongo? Hell they don't even have to be drunk stories. Just posts of ridiculous. Vin, I know you have some. It is getting pretty bad, that it is just Kaiser and myself doing the posting.

An update.

2009-06-30T00:10:00.002-05:00

Got drunk, bought a paralyzed kitten for 4$.

One week later, got drunk. Get attacked from behind, finish the fight by coating a new shirt in his his faceblood.

The end.

Something

2009-06-19T15:35:00.002-05:00

Well i'm bored as fuck. theres nothing interesting on the internet, roomate is sleeping so i cant do anything noisy. So lets ramble about some shit.

Going Big. I like to think of going big as a term of enlightenment. Bros with popped collars and fake sun tans are hitting the clubs this very minute, thinking they are going big. They order jaegerbombs, but likely have a favorite energy drink included in the shot, like it makes a fucking difference. in between their shots, which they probably call J-Bombs or JB's, they'll slow down with a couple mike's hard lemonades, and maybe even a natty light they'll pretend to chug.

Aside from their faggotry in their inebriation technique, they will ignore the thus far unwritten rule that conquering an area involves rallying the locals around your group, and eventually becoming the epicenter of Going Big for everyone in the vicinity to gravitate to and learn the ways of the Nightowl.
Not the Bros. In between hugging eachother and posing for "prison inmate stare" group photos where they throw fake gang signs at their iPhone camera, The Bros will annoy the living fuck out of each and every bartender, waitress, bouncer and customer in the place. Screeching noises they call laughter coupled with atrocious attempts to freestyle rap into an empty mike's bottle one of them spilled are the acts of the hour. Constantly referring to women as bitches and any man not in the group as fags will ensure that nobody within the area code will intentionally speak with the Bros or party in their remote proximity.

In short, These are the Antimatna. They are not without use however, as their presence allows the Nightowls to leave that much clearer of a mark on any society we touch. The Bros will always be just another group of "those fucking idiots" to the people unfortunate to meet them, which alone brings the Ministry's influence all the higher in the eyes of the soon to be conquered.
For me personally, the Watchhogs, Turkeynecks and SajMaj Express' of the world have fallen by the wayside. The Bros are now the most pathetic of species to me, and seeing them fail time and again to truely Go Big is a priceless bonus to take home.

Mons Venus

2009-06-17T16:29:00.000-05:00

Some of you might find this a little strange that I am writing about this and not the Cuban, but I feel as though this place needs to be mentioned. Through the word of mouth I herd of this strip club called Mons Venus and that unlike normal strip clubs this one is very unique. Unique indeed, not only do you get to touch the strippers who are completely naked, fondle them but the lap dances are a respectable $20-$30. There is no Champagne room at this place no booth to secretly hide while you get your dance, no way! this is all done out in the open so everyone can see the show. As the Cuban and I were just watching the madness going on around us someone bought a dance sitting next to us. little did I know but I soon find out why this place is so popular. As I gawk at the un-tattooed, un- pierced, amazingly gorgeous blond doing a hand stand split backwards beside of me. I realized none of these girls had fake breast, all were what looked like to be in there 20s, they all had the proper amount of teeth and seemed to have a very good personal trainer. I wanted a t-shirt from this place but they did not have my size, plus the Cuban said per rules I could not get a t-shirt with out a lap dance. Anyway hopefully I will next time.

T-Shirts.

2009-06-16T15:14:00.001-05:00

Got em.

Hockey and Tennis

2009-06-14T14:41:00.003-05:00

To everyone whos been telling me it must be great to have the Penguins and Steelers win championships the same year: Fuck You, i hate the steelers, im not from pennsylvania.

Im am happy though, seeing Fez following the team and getting riled up over this too, thats a first for as long as I've been a fan of hockey. I'd love to talk about the penguins winning the cup and all that kind of stuff but, there is some business to attend to.

namely this:

An ad for ticketmaster abusing sacred language of the Nightowls. They didnt even get the damn wording right. Of all the sporting events there are, does tennis really seem like the one to go big at? aside from the occasional stabbing, the people who go to tennis matches are probably there to catch up on their sleep.

Going Big at the US Open would get you ejected. So fuck ticketmaster, this is the highest degree of false advertising.

No, you cant have weed

2009-06-07T15:26:00.002-05:00

There are much more important things that need to be legalized first.

1.
I want the right to strangle the fuck out of people who absolutely cannot function without someone feeling sorry for them 24 hours a day.

2.
I want the right to throw a coffee mug at the forehead of anyone who, whether they are even included in a conversation or not, is determined to make any topic that can be spoken verbally about themselves.

3.
Being drunk in public hurts nobody but the taxpayers when the arrest is made. being a buzzkilling narc can potentially lead to large quantities of civil unrest. do the math.

4.
I want the right to open-palm-throat-strike anyone who asks me if im doing alright more than once a month.

This list is completely unsatisfying in its briefness, but the rage boiling over is preventing me from thinking straight enough to write anymore at this time.

Shirts?

2009-06-04T08:03:00.001-05:00

Whats going on with these? Fez I know that your busy getting Anally violated in Vegas... I need to flaunt the Gunnamatna colors in Afghan when i get shitty drunk on friday.

Vegas

2009-05-25T13:02:00.002-05:00

90 minutes in Vegas, a pit boss put her finger in my ass...... Let me rewind.

Before I even left my house, at 11:30 in the morning, i had already had 3 beers. On the drive to Sin City, I finished another 16 which had me showing up in Vegas a little smashed already. Well i decided to play black jack as soon as I got there. The drink people at the Sahara are great for letting you have 2 drinks all the time.

Well the Pit Cougar (yes, the cougar magnetism is at fault for this), was flirting with me, i didn't think anything about it, because i was in a friendly mood. Even after i lost my money, I was still happy because i got plenty more smashed.

Having no more cash to gamble with i went to the in casino convienent store for liquor and snacks. And who happens to show up, the pit cougar (my friend believes she followed me to the store, like an actual wild animal stalking her prey), I had already paid for my stuff and while my friend was paying for beer and cigarettes, she started to get close to me.

Mind you, at this point, I am far from sober. My senses were dulled, so in the wild, i would have been the gazelle with a broken ankle...easy prey.

I offer her a cheeto (yes an actual cheeto, i bought some snacks at the store)....now i don't know what that means in vegas, but in Wyoming, that means would you like a tasty snack.

Well she passed on the cheeto and slid her hand down my pants and credit card swiped my B-hole. Now her finger never actually penetrated the barrier, but i clammed up. Walked out of the store with out saying a word. The terror of a strangers hand giving you a tap tap at your back door is not something i want for anyone.

The best part, is my friend said that he thought she a knife to my back. He said the look on my face was that of pure fear.

After that incident it was a fun two days, I got drunk, vomited at Denny's, passed out shitting at Walgreens, made an ass out of myself at the club, and eventually hit a lucky streak at gambling in Ceaser's Palace. My liver hurts, I feel like a rape victim... Cant' wait till we have a nightowl reunion and go to vegas.

Deployment is the mother of invention

2009-05-11T15:48:00.002-05:00

Happy mothers day, Deployment, from your son, Invention.
From the same desperate times that brought us the Ripdog, comes two combinations which produce winning formulas for possible go bigdom while separated from a proper fountain of flavaz.

The Seahawk:
Have you ever wondered why the giant refrigerators at the DFAC are stocked to the gills with that shitty ass fruit cocktail nectar? I think i know why. It was done as a favor to an unknown officer who wanted to make sure he never ran out of the shit, so he could mix it with his imported seagrams. thats right. Seagrams is good enough to be consumed all by its lonely, but mixing it with the Infidel Juice (75% Seagrams, 25% Juice" produces a distict flavor likely to surprise an imbibing Nightowl. It somehow is the perfect combination to cancel out the shit flavor parts of the whiskey, while leaving the warm burn that lets you know youre still on the rollercoaster to embarassment. the "Sea" comes from Seagrams, the "Hawk" comes from the surprise attack the flavor brings.

The Fly: Gilbeys' Vodka and Mountain dew. A 50/50 mixture of the two. Remember any time youve ever had a jack and coke, and you could tell how strong it was because you could most definetly choose to examine the volume of either ingredient just by paying attention, something that comes from being able to taste both of them independantly of each other. This one is called The Fly, because in its perfect genesis, creates an entirely new flavor, neither vodka nor mountain dew, and it is definetely acceptable for the territory. If you still dont get what "The Fly" means, go watch the movie of the same name.

Gunnamatna.

God...Damn......String...

2009-05-09T17:36:00.003-05:00

Bitch, Go help Gunnamatna untie the knot.

Interesting

2009-05-01T02:59:00.001-05:00

Cruising through facebook, I stumbled upon the most recockulous IQ quiz advertisment.

Ground side, Bilbo, and Cobble Wobble

2009-04-29T15:32:00.003-05:00

Wow. So much shit has happened and i feel like its gone by so fast its only been a few weeks. first off, thank god i was recalled as a sergeant, because the ground guys treat everyone below that like complete shit. Ive actually had to sit down and have a talk with a female LCpl about why she shouldnt call me sergeant every 2 seconds. for christs sake the rank isnt punctuation. Even though this is a shitty supply battalion, It boggles the mind how different it is from the wing. I'm not going to say "OH IVE BEEN GROUND SIDE YOU GUYS JUST DONT KNOW....YOU DONT FUCKIN KNOW" all im saying is thank god for the wing, because ground units are fucking stupid. I have never seen so many NJP's for stupid shit in my life, and our CO is a total piece himself! classic case of a trick ass. no let me rephrase, this guy REDEFINES the definition of trick ass. Imagine if you will, the most self serving scumbag on the face of planet earth, being put in a position where he has 900 toy soldiers to move across a map like hes playing a game of risk. except the only problem is, hes moving them across territory he already owns. so what does he do? well, he fucks with them of course! since there is nobody here to outroll with double sixes, he just starts throwing infractions around like fucking captain sobel from band of brothers. so yeah like i said before, its gay.

On to my next point, which involves Fez.

Fez. i want you to read this as if youre seeing it yourself. Youre sitting in an office in front of a computer, and behind you a door opens. you hear the pitter patter of little tiny footprints, and you know whose they are. its SSgt Bilbrey, the 5 foot nothing munchkin who resembles a hobbit 10 times better than yufit ever could. I am not even fucking kidding. I cannot count the times i have thought of your reaction if you were to see this guy. dude...seriously, i dont even know what else to say, i'm going to have to take a picture and post it for you to believe the amount of laughter i get at this guys expense, because i know, no matter how much i may get used to him being around me, you would never NEVER be able to keep a straight face while he is in the same room.

Lastly. Jolly I have not gotten your package as of this date, but, i have gotten one from fez and my dad. and let me say, good got you guys have found a way to go big through the postal service. Already i have more booze than we had in OIF3 and 4 combined. just to give you an idea, my dad sent 750ml bottles of seagrams, gilbeys and capt, and i receieved a bottle of COBBLE WOBBLE from fez. ANYWAY. that is a lot for now. all I can say is Gunnamatna! and i am fucked up from the seagrams my dad sent. gunna. fucking. matna.

Have Fun Golfing

2009-04-26T14:23:00.002-05:00

Thats right pig fuckers, I hope you enjoyed your 6 games of the playoffs. Maybe next year you wont collapse like....well, like the Flyers. For a while there it looked like "Flyers Hockey" might well be alive still, and the broad street bully strategy wasnt a tired prehistoric failure.

Then the Penguins realized something. Daniel Briere looks like a pasty, freakish mixture of a hobbit and michael jackson, with the biggest difference being that the hobbit has a ring. This little phenomenon of human genetic mutation is slightly less intimidating than your average quadrapeligic chihuahua with its mouth glued shut, and was a prime candidate to be shoved around like gary coleman in a biker mosh pit.

anyways it was fun watching them blow a 3-0 lead with their season on the line, it was a good pick me up after a shitty day. Thanks for the charity work.

If you want to feel a little better.

2009-04-09T15:15:00.002-05:00

Start reading some of these peoples horrible lives and feel a little better about life.

http://www.fmylife.com/

Request

2009-04-09T14:20:00.002-05:00

the deployment is getting gay. extremely gay. assistance is needed in the form of you know what. if anyone is able to help, it would be greatly appreciated. dont care what it is, but a portion of Teq is preferable. again i cant stress enough how gay it is here. this is the gayest "combat" zone ever. its gayer than richard simmons at a hotdog eating contest.

sgt "Kaiser", CLB-7 H&S
41735 FPOAP 96426-1735

that is the magic code to deliver salvation to the middle east. fuck the starving fucks in somalia for now, let them hijack sally strothers' barge full of rice if they want to eat.

2009-03-30T14:34:00.001-05:00

http://youshouldhaveseenthis.com/

Funny old lady

2009-03-30T14:26:00.000-05:00

Fez

2009-03-25T10:01:00.003-05:00

As most of you might know already, I am not the most well spoken individual out there. In fact, I am one of the most low-down, fucked up, arrogant, and dick headed people when it comes to addressing people and their feelings and shit. So with that in mind, please keep in mind, I write as I speak. There will be a lot of "yo" and "fuck" and "shit". Who knows, maybe some mother fuckers and all sorts of other shit that is involved in my daily regiment of language.

Flash Back March 19th - 715pm EST

Had a long day at work, so I decided that when a few people addressed the fact that they hadn't seen me in a bit, I went to Otts (the local bar). Arrived around 8, and it being somewhat of Spring Break or some shit, I see a ton of people that I know but whom I could give two flying fucks about or about their shitty fucking lives and what they are doing with their fucked existence. So I shrug them off as quick as they came over and continue to pound Corona's (no fruit, if I want fruit in my drink I will order a raspberry cosmo or some other faggot shit) and mind erasers, ith total intentions of being home by 11pm so that I can be on time for work friday. Needless to say 11 had come and gone and I am still at the bar, drinking like a fucking fish and getting dangerously close to getting flagged and asked to leave. So my brainiac idea, preemptive strike that flagging and just leave, I NEED TITTIES IN MY FACE was being shouted as I left the bar. I now find myself in the parking lot of my favorite titty bar, wad of cash in hand, a sick pack in the other and nothing but tits and ass on my mind. I stumble to the door, and realize one shitty fucking fact. NO ID! They wont let me in. I left it at the bar on the oposite side of the highway. SO I walk back to my car, go to grab my keys, dont have em, look in all my pockets and the ground, NOPE! I peer into the window my keys are in the ignition. So i have 2 choices here:
1. Call my parents, get them to bring me my spare key and take the hit on tits and go home.
2. Walk to the bar, grab my ID, get tits in my face, call a cab, get my spare and get my car in the morning.

Being the clever Nightowl I am, I obviously choose option 2. I start awlking my happy ass across the street (6 lane highway). I then decide, this walk is taking long ( maybe about 300 yards or less from the tits to the ID), I sit on the Jersey Barrier and drink a beer. Go get my ID, get titties in my face from my favorite tittie bar stripper, and call a cab. No cabs at 2am on a thursday night, in fact nobody i know is awake, and i have no fucking awy to get the fuck home. I start hoofing it, i get about half way, when gods good grace shined upon me. I am walking passed the 24hr McDonalds and I see a car that I recognize, so I walk up to it, nobody in it, i wait about 30 minutes and out from the motel accross the way comes my boy, with a shit eatting grin on his face. He wanted titties too, but went the whole other way about it. All in all I got home at 330 in the morning, took a shower, and passed out on my floor. I was late to work, took me forever to find my spare, and was still drunk all the next day, almost destroying my entire friday (like that is possible).

I have another story, but I ill save that for a bit later.

What the foooooook.

2009-03-25T04:04:00.003-05:00

Does anyone else look at this anymore....is anyone going big?

Well I don't have any good stories to tell, except i blacked out 2 weekends ago and i woke up with Moby Dick Sister.

Please people, start posting about some debauchery soon.

Alright

2009-03-07T11:14:00.004-05:00

Well, i decided to try to design a shirt. I am going for cheapness here, but i still want it to look cool. The back would have all the names and the front would be gunnamatna and the motto.

I think everyone should try to design a t-shirt and we would go with the best one. I used a site called: www.uberprints.com

Fez

Death of a Tolerance

2009-03-03T14:52:00.002-05:00

So here I am, in Al Asad, my new duty station. I can hardly describe this as a deployment, since my job is basically to sit on my ass and watch movies on the share drive. However there is still a major significance to me during this faggotry.

Before coming out here, I had been in the states for over two years consecutively. Over that period of time i built up by far and away the most impressive tolerance of my life. during the run up to the deployment, a 12 pack was used nightly to get myself a little bit drowsy so i could sleep. Whenever the other recalls asked about my drinking, the hows and whys always came back to my time in the golden years of the Nightowls. Of course they didnt fully understand, but a few of them were eager to join in and be summarily punished by the flavaz.

I will greatly miss this tolerance, even though it cost a fucking fortune to drink when i wanted to.

Fez, your trip to philly is definetly one of the greatest things i have ever read. That weekend should have its own campaign medal for all involved.

Blaze, How have you not been promoted yet? The latest post about you seals what should have already been a deal. Senior Nightowl it is.

peace for now bitches, Gunnamatna.

New Jerseys

2009-03-02T18:40:00.002-05:00

So,

Kaiser, I have been wondering where you got the jersey's from. I want to make some new ones. Certain folk don't have any, and i believe it is time to get everyone a jersey.

Any ideas?

fez

For Booty Calls that have no excuse typing on the MATNA

2009-02-27T16:58:00.002-05:00

That's right, you have to earn a spot to type on here. Check back into your proper place.

Hall of fame week

2009-02-19T17:23:00.001-05:00

In order to help Fez move he came up to my house to pick me up so we can move his shit to AZ. He comes up on the 2nd and mayhem ensued. First two nights where kinda slow just went to some local bars and took it kinda easy. The night before we were sup to leave it was a great moment in drunken nightowls history. Fez didn’t go big he went huge. The Day started out with lady problems with both me and fez’s bitches. I get a call at 9am from Fez asking what beer I would like to consume and if I want a breakfast sandwich from Dunkin donouts. By noon the monster had consumed a 12 pack and half a bottle of baileys and yes… Lazo would be jealous. By 5pm he had made numerous drunken phone calls and made a complete ass of himself that the night had just begun. We decide to go to a local bar where I know most of the people that go there with blaze me and the animal. Blazes Ex shows up a little later. We get there and fez buys everyone chili fries and beers. Winks and tells all the waiters and waitress they are cute and makes names up for them and actually gets one of the names right. I decide it was time to go after an hr because I want to be able to return to consume beer at this place again. On the way out he frisks blazes girl…when I say frisk I mean grab and grope. I bring him home and watch as he starts to fall asleep so blaze and I roll back out to the bar. This time we are drinking at chilis. We aren’t there for a few minutes when I get a phone call from my brother telling me he is trying to leave. I tell him to take the keys from him. When I get back to my house Fez is in tears crying for his keys and asking my brother to drive him to AZ for 500 dollars…. And 1000 if he doesn’t. After this he keeps bugging me and my brother for his keys so I get tired and tell my brother to give them to him and let him kill himself. Well he called my bluff and now I had to stop him from leaving. By dodging an upper cut from Ryu I throw him to the floor and get on top him and start strangling him as he is telling me I’m so tough because I can beat him up. Tears start again… More drunken phone calls to a chick to tell her he is pissed at her and tells her he loves her instead. Then we smoke cigars and calm him down to go to sleep. There is more to mention but I don’t have the time or inclination to deal with it. Just know it is in the top 3 drunken madness moments I have ever been privileged to be apart of.

Blaze the Monster

2009-02-18T21:30:00.002-05:00

Date: Feb 15 2009,
Place: Otts, Untapped and Mongo's house

I show up to a drunk blaze at Otts, but i was sober, so i figured a couple shots won't hurt, 4 mind erasers in 30 minutes and a couple of beers. Otts closed at midnight since it was a sunday. So we head back to Mongo's.

When i show up to Mongo's, i see Blaze in the driveway screaming "Titties in my face, Titties in my face" and executing the correct dance to go with the song. Asks me to go, and i declined, for i had a date for the night.

Then the monster shows up an hour later, completely hammered, calling strippers to come over. Blaze has reached Go Bigdom. Well after no strippers show up, he decides he needs to leave, i talk him out of it and steal his keys.

I can't remember the exact chronoligical order of the night ( for i was not sober) but here are the events of drunkeness.

Blaze, -ate pizza off the ground
-didn't recognize his room, and decided he needs to home
- cried (actual tears) that he needs to go home
- called everyone on his phone to take him home
- then grabbed my dates ass, and to make amends for that, he grabbed my ass and reached under for a ball grab ( i was holding up my date, for she was a little drunk, that is why i was unable to stop him)
- then at the end of the night, decides to ask me if he can sleep on the couch...at his own place, and thanks me and cries again.

There is a probably a few more things i can't remember, but it was hilarious.

San Diego Campaign

2009-02-08T20:21:00.003-05:00

This place is way to huge to be conquered in one night. So, over the weeks weve been taking chunks out of it and the end is near. the cities of Chula Vista, Oceanside and Carlsbad have all felt the wrath. National City is coming, as is Irvine. The scene here is definetly Nightowl worthy.

-Chula Vista: Went to a spanish club with my roomate Victor, and our scip scap friend Chapparo. My roomate did most of the conquering in the place, while i was challenged to drink some mexican skank under the table. After thrashing her in a few rounds of screwdriver chugging, she proceded to bust her ass outside while smoking and get us both kicked out for being too drunk.

-Oceanside: Went to a place called Coyote to celebrate Veronica's birthday and pick up chicks. Along with Wilson, Fuhrmann, and Rakestraw (who are all hellacious lushes), we owned the club. some chubby darkness forced me to dig my fingers into her ass, then threatened to kill me 5 minutes later because i discovered her shoes were lifted. Later Fuhrmann and i decided to pick up two girls by telling them i was gay. somehow we pulled it off, and had their drunk asses on us all night.
-sidenote: whatever the fuck it is that i do on a dance floor, i guess people like it. i just thought i looked like a smashed retard

-Carlsbad: This was last night. after pregaming and playing some pool at "pizza, wings 'n things" myself, Victor, Caldwell and Gibs (our swope) went to some fucked up Irish shithole for about 10 minutes. Victor was disgusted by our surroundings, and informed us that we were in southern california, not southern Mississippi, and to G'head and get the fuck away from there. We found a place whose name i dont remember yet, and busted a set of about 8 milfs wide open. The rest of the night went down like a script out of a movie about pickup artists, and I now have a 40 year old booty call named Alison. Vin, you would love these places the most, since they have a semi strict dress code, there wont be any of that Glenburnie shit around.

SuperBowl moment, 2009: Brenda Warner is a dumb bitch

2009-01-31T19:55:00.002-05:00

Kurt Warner is probably an ok dude. but jesus titty fucking christ he needs a new squeeze. being charitable is one thing, but being so driven to look like a saint among sinners as a hypocrite is another.
Apparently, the warners have a tradition of picking up the check for another table when they go out to eat. nice gesture, perfectly cool. And then Brenda opens her mouth and blows it.

“I had been a single mother living on food stamps at one time who couldn’t ever afford to eat out, and I never understood why people give free meals to people who can afford them.” This is her quote. so what do they do friday night? At the cheesecake factory in Tampa, Kurt and his whorepaint covered wife pickup the tab for a group of 20 steelers fans.

In Tampa. At the cheesecake factory.

Uh...hello brenda, a group of 20 fucking steelers fans in tampa can probably afford their own god damn meal in addition to their airplane fare and superbowl tickets. How about giving up your ugly ass ridiculous royal blue "felt n' fur" coats and slop some chow into a bowl for homeless people if you actually care about the needy.

Kaiser, Relax you fuckin psycho!

2009-01-29T16:22:00.002-05:00

Instead of a rant about how you are gonna be better than us. Put this in your spank bank and imagine the possibilities of this.

A New Kaiser

2009-01-23T02:22:00.003-05:00

(Retracted Faggotry)

The Last 2 Nightowls leave the nest.

2009-01-08T17:06:00.003-05:00

Finally the time has come for P and Fez to leave what has become haven for SCIP-SCAPS, SKIC SKANKS and SCALLY-WAGS. Yes, people we are leaving the tree and setting the bitch on fire.

San Diego Going Big

2008-12-28T19:59:00.002-05:00

From the ashes of the recall have emerged some genuine drinkers. I am paired up with one right now with the pending callsign "Chaparro", and his local boys to hit the scene later tonight. no plan, aside from getting fucked up and going crazy here. results to follow.

One of the best times I have had in a while.

2008-12-20T17:40:00.003-05:00

I have been meaning to blog about my trip up to philedelphia. One of the best times of my life, and completely detrimental to my liver.

The first relaxing night, we decorated Wooly's Christmas tree. We went to Joe Canal's liquor store to buy the decorations... For those of you who have never been to the promise land, consider a pilgrimage to this beautiful store. Wall to Wall, aisle after aisle of wines, liquors and beers. Beers i have never even heard of but wish one day i can introduce them to my stomach. But i digress, we bought a cornucopia of delicious beers in the can. After the beers were finished we hung it up with care.

The next night was a strip club night, see below post with the midget.

Friday night was the standout of the trip. Mudvayne in concert, is more insane than you can even imagine. The lead singer came out covered in blood and a red chicken suit, and never stopped rocking. A few notable events:

Cougar Stomping- A cougar tried to get with Blaze at the concert, then she wanted out of the pit and tried to crowd surf out...Which would have worked, but she got scared halfway through and fell down and pulled blaze down with her, while i helped Blaze up, Wooly proceeded to stomp the cougar.

Emo Shot put- Perfected by Wooly, it is when annoying emo kids are around, and you want them gone, just throw them on top of the crowd...(note- they dont' even have to consent, just throw the weird little fuckers)

NIGHTOWLS, IF GIVEN THE CHANCE, GO SEE MUDVAYNE.. DONATE BLOOD, SELL A KIDNEY DO WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO DO TO SEE THIS MANIACS LIVE.

The weekend was more debauchery, but next i will talk about the Eagles game.

Once again Wooly I thank the hell out of you for this. I have never understood what Will was talking about Phildelphia fans are the most relentless fans ever. I do now, these people boo everything, opponents, their own team, and definetly the opposing fans. I will say i took part in the festivities and the harrassing of browns fans. Was the best week i have had since the first Busch gardens trip.

Once i develop my disposable camera i will put up some pictures.

NEVER MOVE TO CLEVELAND

2008-12-16T16:02:00.000-05:00

http://blog.cleveland.com/metro/2008/12/boy_killed_mom_and_shot_dad_ov.html

FEZ!

2008-12-16T14:47:00.002-05:00

Untapped Talent....

2008-12-12T13:11:00.005-05:00

The last time in Philly, i went to a nice strip bar.... What i went to this time was even more ridiculous, and not in a good way. This place took notes stragight from Olivia herself.... Above is the stripper blaze was talking to.

I DONT KNOW WHAT TO SAY ABOUT THIS

2008-12-09T14:15:00.002-05:00

HAYLO

2008-12-09T14:09:00.001-05:00

So this is my new haven to post interesting pics of things i find terribly fascinating on the interweb. And you will all be happy to know i have the second most boring job on the planet behind the guy that catalogs books. ENJOY!

Anyone else HUNGRY!

2008-12-09T13:52:00.003-05:00

Picture of Fez on his drive to philly.

2008-12-09T13:49:00.002-05:00

FOUND YOU TOO, FAGGOT!

Purnell, get of tha internetz now!

2008-12-09T13:44:00.001-05:00

Found ya bitch!

Semper wtf

2008-12-05T23:15:00.002-05:00

Think about the worst possible place you ever had to live while in the military. When youre done, picture it 30 years older with no maintenance. thats Camp Talega.

However, this is not all bad. Given that this place used to house grunts when they were training here, and they were allowed to drink, and we still at least have access to an APS here, I'm getting the feeling that this place is some sort of ancient historical holy land of going big. The k-spans have beer stains on the beer stains all over the floors.

Set out in the middle of bumfuck pendleton, Talega is a wasteland with access to alcohol, but not water. thats right, if you want water, buy it or live without. or drink from the shower. Talega is now a training ground for the chosen damned who were rejected the chance of free will, even though we all did sign the damn contract. However, going big is possible here. If there werent so many mouthy fucks in possesion of their own alcohol, it would be a hell of a lot easier to rally the local masses and have somewhat of a good time.

Seattle

2008-11-30T02:11:00.002-05:00

The Central and Fuel are places that Going Big is allowable and just awesome places to go drink in Seattle.

I will say i did see some of the problems that Kaiser was talking about, like someone using a laptop at a Bar after 10 on a Friday night. WTF!!

Other than that i got cockblocked by some chicks mom for not wanting to bang her(the mom). Damn my cougar magnetism, never did I think it would cockblock me.

Seattle: the scip-scap capital

2008-11-19T01:56:00.002-05:00

Scipscapital? yeah, that.

This is no place for Nightowls. not in the slightest. there is no partying amongst the general populace. You cannot go out to a place here and make an impression by doing what we do. For example, Mako's in Orlando. The 2nd night we went there we were given free VIP passes because of what transpired the previous night. Here? Good luck getting someone to accept a drink YOU bought them because all they want to do is sip the one drink they will have that night and blog on their laptop about fucking global warming, while the touchpad jukebox plays Dido in a community polite decibel level.

Yes i realize this is technically a blog but not really, its just way cheaper than a website. and by cheaper i mean free.

So fuck seattle. it'd be a god damned waste of time....so, any trips planned to a real place? I make fun of the south a lot, but I'll give them one thing, they know how to go big. I would be grateful if someone could suggest a good spot down there somewhere to make a trip to once im done with whatever the hell they'll be making me do before i get sent back to the meatgrinder.

Miami? party with the cubanos?
New Orleans at mardi gras?
Charleston? always wanted to go there.
Philly, same thing.

Lets hear some ideas.

GTFO

2008-11-17T03:24:00.003-05:00

Mike Holmgren, if you dont want to end up like Mussolini, hung by your neck from a lightpost with piano wire, I suggest you go the fuck home this week. Go coach high school football or something. So much for your plan to pull out all the stops in your last year, apparently that means running between the tackles on 3rd and long, when your team is down by 12.

Blaming everything on the refs was cute in 2005, and some of it was deserved, but dont assume every single blunder made by the seahawks comes as a result of a yellow rag not being thrown. Josh Wilson might be the worst cornerback in the history of the NFL, and youre the one letting him stay out there to get assfucked by every receiver who lines up across from him.

Yeah there has been a disgusting amount of injuries to the team, but most of them have been reconciled by now. Injuries arent hurting the team anywhere near as much as the retarded ass plays Holmgren calls at the most critical moments. You have the offensive playcalling talent of a lobotimized offspring of a village idiot and TV weather girl. How anyone concluded that he was a genius in the field would baffle the people who created the hadron collider.

The running game is nonexistant once again, but certainly not for lack of talent. when you fail to use the pieces you have, you cant blame them. Maurice Morris has proven to be a poor man's Brian Westbrook, he just needs to have some plays drawn up specifically for him. TJ Duckett is a god damned monster, yet is only used when they need 1 or 2 yards. Julius Jones, the man who IS getting the ball, was signed to replace Shaun Alexander, since Shaun liked to skip to the line, bust a move, then fall down. Jones' style is completely different, as he runs full speed at the line, smashes into it, then falls down. It doesnt take Lara Croft, Sherlock Holmes and Angela Lansbury to discover the mystery of this wretched fucking offense.

Just go away, you might end up with a dozen or so less heart attacks.

It's good to be back.

2008-11-10T09:38:00.003-05:00

Well, we hit Savannah withun a full force and didn't even dent the top.

A few notable moments,

Real estate rain, community turkey leg, the unsuccessful sign grab, pillow battle to the death, the lost designated driver, keg purse, river street rumble and of course the taxi door.

fez

Disorders

2008-10-30T00:32:00.002-05:00

you are full of shit. whatever that "disease" is that you think you have, youre full of shit. stop using bi-polar or OCD or whatever the hell as an excuse for your fuck ups. just admit you made a stupid mistake and have a fucking laugh about it. nobody will care.

you are not crazy. if you were crazy, you wouldnt have to tell everyone around you that you are for them to realize it. accept your goddamn personality and live with it. stop telling people youre insane, because you are not. insane people dont know theyre insane. stupid people use it as an excuse for doing the stupid things they do.

you do not need that fucking pill you saw on TV for that disorder you saw on TV to get the desired results you saw on TV. chill the fuck out and stop taking things so seriously, stop creating fucking stupid drama for no other reason than to draw attention to yourself. you want attention? do something commendable. Its much better than just having people feel sorry for you because they think youre a fucking retard.

I LIKE MONKEYS!

2008-10-27T15:45:00.003-05:00

I LIKE MONKEYS
I like monkeys.

The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought that
odd since they were normally a couple thousand each. I decided not to
look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys.

I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His
name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really
bright. They kept punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed.
Then they punched my genitals. I stopped laughing.

I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new
environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at
high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the
spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.

Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive:
they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta' dropped dead.
Kinda' like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Damn
cheap monkeys.

I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my
room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked
like I had 200 throw rugs.

I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck.
Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys.

I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for
a while, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real
bad.

I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn't want
to call the plumber. I was embarrassed.

I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately
there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change
them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so
it didn't all go bad.

I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had to
extinguish the fire.

Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in
my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odor
wasn't improving.

I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use the
bathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better.

I tried throwing them way but the garbage man said that the city wasn't
allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I had a wet
one. He couldn't take that one either. I didn't bother asking about the
frozen ones.

I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My
friends didn't know quite what to say. They pretended that they like
them but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in
the genitals.

I like monkeys

Welcome back, shitbag

2008-10-24T02:47:00.003-05:00

Hi, now that the window of opportunity is closing in fast, and I'll soon be confined to the dog kennel that is the marines, I'm going to take a moment to be selfish.

Let me start by saying, FUCK YOU marine corps. Thats right, i hate your guts. All your tradition you value so much, but cast aside if the slightest thing doesnt go your way, shove all that right up your ass. Its a shame that in what is supposed to be a no nonsense badass collection of tough motherfuckers, There is a hierarchy that is fed from total bullshit. Liars and ass kissers are rewarded, while the non questioning, hard working people, the REAL few and proud, are ignored because they havent got anything to bitch and moan about. they dont try to get out of working parties, they dont turn into a pathetic crybaby when someone else gets promoted, they are merely happy for that person.

So, heres the fun part. When I left, i dragged a trail of guilt behind me based on the feeling that I had let my unit down. By abandoning them in a time of war, when they needed instructors, I split because i was a gnats wing away from insanity from deploying. Well you know what? Kiss my fucking ass now. I dont feel that way anymore. People were pissed because i took so long to decide what i was going to do, I didnt like it anymore than they did, but fuck it now.

Know why? Because there were people 2 years away from their EAS that repeated the phrase "fuck this i'm leaving" all the time. Those people got a plaque, a prop with everyones signatures, and everyone stayed late after work for their ceremonies. On the other hand, I, who didnt even want to leave the unit, wanted to stay and train the new guys, and carry on the Night Owl colors, and only didnt because i knew i would go fucking batshit without a break, got nothing.

No prop, no signatures. What I got was yelled at from top Trani to get the fuck out of the office. So sorry i didnt stop caring halfway through my enlistment top. I'll be back in a VMU unit soon, but know this, the friends I've made at Cherry Point are the only things keeping me from telling the commandant to go fuck himself with my rolled up recall orders.

Demon dog

2008-10-09T16:42:00.003-05:00

Yes this is correct I would like my dog to become a prospect. After a Friday night of hanging out with his bitch. He not only drank warm beer but ate grass soaked in beer foam.

TICE PICTURES

2008-10-01T11:30:00.002-05:00

An oldie but a goodie

Scip Scappery within the ministry.

2008-09-29T13:25:00.002-05:00

Well folks,

The Scip Scappery is because of the lack of communications.

Kaiser WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!!!!!!!!

I haven't got a straight answer as to what is happening with you, whether you coming in not coming in, where you getting sent. Just give your brothers some info.

P, what the fuck!!!(smaller letters, because you haven't kept us in the dark as long)

How was the wedding? Any go big moments, how is life back home! No excuse for you, you are back home and can make a blog in the matter of minutes.

Everyone knows what's up with me, in iraq-then NC- Then a philly trip- then AZ. That's it.

Just tired of getting the run around and half answers.

Ronald Jenkees Shit

2008-09-26T14:36:00.003-05:00

Here is a dude, Ronald Jenkees, he makes some sick beats and songs with just a keyboard and some mixing software. Check this shit:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0O2aH4XLbto

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=maxWVCW-Lqs&feature=user

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WEcckX1kHWI&feature=user

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lg8LfoyDFUM&feature=user

Response

2008-09-26T12:34:00.001-05:00

Some funny ass shit. This my bro Eli

2008-09-26T12:32:00.003-05:00

Football for Beer

2008-09-25T18:47:00.002-05:00

3 games into the season. weve seen what teams are fucked up and which ones are in good shape. key players are injured, newcomers are kicking ass, its time for picks.

categories are:
1. Team that sucked ass last year that will make the playoffs
2. Playoff team last year that will suck ass
3. Coach that will be fired
These are worth 1 point each.

4. League MVP
5. Super bowl champs
These are worth 2 points each.
Whoever has the most points at the end wins free drinks for one night of their choosing, on Kaiser.

Mine are
1. Bills
2. Colts
3. Lane Kiffin
4. Jonathan Stewart
5. Broncos

A lot of stuff.

2008-09-22T13:01:00.002-05:00

Kaiser,

Can we get all the Good Videos added to the Movies. Just so they don't get lost in the Archives. I think Acosta needs up there. That one is hilarious. Some of the other good ones. we can have votes yay or nay if they stay up there...because frankly the psyclowns one is just fucking weird.

In other news, hopefully the scarecrow stops harrassing now that the logo is gone. Yes i know, that what i say is not anonymous, i have told many a folk. And that this is watched. This is the true Nightowls page. I am proud of my 4 deployments and the rampant drinking and good times we have had.

I don't think that i am wrong because i like to drink and get drunk. Alcohol is a drug, and a fucking fantastic one. If i am wrong for drinking then budweiser is a pusher man.

Everyone who says they like to drink and not get drunk is fucking stupid. The first sip causes the effects, so my advice is Go Big...or fucking go home.

Well folks i am off to do my job, which this page has never affected.

Long live Gunnamatna, another true nightowl.

George Patton on Terrorism

2008-09-19T14:22:00.002-05:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xyUX6wV1lBQ

This video makes me want to kick some hippie ass and vote republican.

Does anyone remeber Acosta?

2008-09-18T19:28:00.001-05:00

What a fucking crack head

I love bums

2008-09-15T12:33:00.001-05:00